It may sound cliché, but ladies...your man needs encouragement.
If you spend enough time on the internet, you're bound to find women complaining about how sensitive men are. They laugh at the idea that a man needs to hear words of appreciation, and they mock the idea that a man's ego is so fragile that it's tied to the words said to him.
While these women are an extreme example of social attitudes and should not be taken as the rule, there is a deeper truth we may need to admit to ourselves. A man needs encouragement.
The Bible = Love and Respect = Encouragement
In the Bible, a chapter in the New Testament is devoted to the marriage dynamic. Ephesians 5 provides direction for both men and women on how to approach their union.
Ephesians 5:22-32 says,
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Plenty of women read the first verse and stop. After all, how can they agree with some antiquated religious text that tells women to submit to their husbands? Obviously, it's pure patriarchal propaganda couched in some religious language. Modern marriage is a partnership based on equality.
Unfortunately, our assumptions make us foolish.
The Truth about Marriage
The rest of the passage clarifies the dynamic in a marriage relationship. The wife is told to subject herself to her husband as the head (leader) of the direction of the family. However, in 11 verses, the woman is given 3 ½ verses of direction on approaching the marriage. The other 7 ½ are given to the husband on how to LOVE his wife and sacrifice for her. And that's how he's supposed to lead.
The husband is called to sacrifice himself for his wife as Christ did for the church. This means giving up his body, desires, will, and life for the good of his wife. This means doing nothing of his own, but only that which is in the best interest of his family. The wife is asked to respect her husband and submit to a man who has been directed to give up everything for her.
Simply put: she's asked to accept and receive the sacrifice her husband makes for her well-being and nourishment.
Makes a little more sense.
In the last verse, it says, "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."
Notice the wife is never told to "love" her husband, but respect him? Getting this wrong is hurting a lot of marriages.
A man is to love and cherish his wife. That's her language. It's how she builds emotional connections and grows a bond with her husband. Meanwhile, a wife who shows love for her husband by respecting him creates a true man.
Here's how it works.
Why Encouragement Works on Men
Men thrive under the right conditions. And even though foolish women mock men for what they need, the truth remains. If a woman wants to help her man get to the next level, she needs to speak the language of respect.
Men are deeply invested in providing value to the world around them. A lot of male depression can be tied to the lack of perceived value a man is giving to the world. He may be placating himself with video games, drugs, junk food, and social media. But, a lot of men in America are depressed because they lack true purpose. A deep inner desire for purpose drives most men.
I call it the legacy gene.
When we have purpose, we hold value to the world. A true purpose requires self-sacrifice, and a man is more than willing to do it if he aligns with a purpose. The world's need for that sacrifice drives him and motivates him to continue down such a path. At his core, he wants to be of service to others.
This includes his wife.
Women: encourage your man. He needs to audibly hear your trust, belief, faith, and respect. If you encourage him to pursue purpose, he'll move mountains. And when he does, he'll see the product of his value to the world. He begins to clearly see his lasting legacy.
How to Encourage Your Man
I typically say it this way: If a woman would grab her husband's hand, look into his eyes, and say, "I trust you. I know you can do this! You've got this!" He'd walk through walls to get the job done.
Are some men deeply depressed or scarred from trauma and need healing to hit that point? Yes. However, most men merely need a little bit of encouragement to take on the world. They need to know someone believes in them.
Unfortunately, many women's approach amounts to nagging their man into purpose. This is akin to the saying, "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
Criticizing, nagging, pointing out flaws, quips, and condescension all achieve a result, but it's not the one you want. Employing those tactics devastates a man's confidence and belief in his abilities. After all, it means the person he is closest to doesn't even believe in him. Instead, she sees the flaws and faults.
And if it does motivate him to change, he'll be more likely to resent the person who delivers those scarring words: you.
A guy's logical progression goes something like, "Well, if she's nagging me constantly, putting me down, criticizing me, and not complimenting or encouraging me, then I must really be screwing up. Am I doing anything right? Probably not. After all, you'd think she'd be giving more compliments than complaints if that were the case. I must suck at this being a married man thing. She must hate me."
This isn't putting all the responsibility on the woman. But ladies, if you want to know a strategy to help guide your man in the right direction, some self-reflection is a good start.
Some questions to ask yourself might include:
How often are you actually encouraging him?
While you may say you encourage: what is your ratio of complaints to compliments?
How would you feel if he talked to you the way you express yourself to him?
What is best for him? How do you achieve that?
What is he doing that you're not recognizing?
Where are his strengths?
Encouragement is Fuel For Men
Men were designed to take on the world. And your role in that is extremely important. A man desires to know that he has such value that his wife adores and respects him. This isn't about his fragile ego – it's about a relationship built on the dynamics God put in us.
If you want your man to love you and sacrifice himself for you and your family, try prioritizing respect. He may just bust through that brick wall for you.
And if he does...tell him you knew he could.
Take on the challenge of transforming. If you want to build deeper, longer-lasting relationships as you grow in confidence, then get our newest book, The Hidden Ones - 21 Tactics for Transformation today. Otherwise, visit The Forged to learn more about our exclusive, personal programs that help men in communities across the nation grow every day.
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