Stop Fearing Social Disapproval

Social approval drives so much of what we do.

Most of us make our decisions based on what we believe other people will think about us or our actions. We fabricate scenarios in our minds and sow seeds of doubt about anything that might cause risk to how others perceive us.

Desiring social approval doesn't occur out of thin air but has a reasonable explanation based on humanity. As with most anything, how we act relates to the close-knit tribal community living that our ancestors were more likely to have experienced. In fact, tribal societies today exhibit much of the same examples of human interaction and traits that we ourselves show, even if they're muted or warped slightly.

But social approval is alive and well in many of us. And it makes sense why.

Fear of the Unknown

Imagine you're part of a tribe living in the middle of the jungle. You and a group of your fellow tribesmen stalk deep into the jungle, hunting for food to bring back to the women and children.

The hair stands up on your neck. The other men feel it as well. Something is hunting you. Slowly, you scan around. Your eye catches the faintest glint of orange. Your heart begins beating faster. Your hands lightly sweat.

You tense up on your spear.

A massive tiger bursts from the foliage. It leaps high into the air with claws ready to grab you. Several of your friends expertly stab at the tiger with their spears as you place yours between the launching tiger and yourself. Impaled on your spear, the tiger shudders and dies.

The feeling you get when being hunted and almost killed is a massive rush of fear, adrenaline, and actions your body/brain takes to protect from danger. Even if it's a suspected danger, fear rises and adrenaline prepares you for action. Your body creates physical responses to deal with the dangers presented.

Social Disapproval and Fear

Now imagine you arrive back to the tribe with the dead tiger and everyone is standing with their arms crossed, sternly looking at you. You look around the group, wondering what could have happened. The men you went with at first look as confused as you do. But as an elder whispers something to one of the men, the look on his face changes. It contorts to surprise and disgust. He whispers to the others next to him, and suddenly the entire tribe is angry with you.

You're alone, facing your friends and family who suddenly don't want anything to do with you.

What do you feel? Again, fear, anxiety, and adrenaline. Your heartbeat races. Your palms sweat. But why? Why would some people being mad at you create such a physiological response?

As you raise your hands to the rest of the tribe, wondering what is going on, the chief simply replies, "Thief! We know what you stole!"

You plead your case. You beg that it's a case of mistaken identity.

They curse your name. They spit on the ground. The chief announces so the whole tribe can hear, "You are exiled! We will not suffer you any longer! Go!"

You turn around to look back at the jungle. The light is starting to wane in the evening and the shadows build pockets of darkness and obscurity around you. The chief points at the pathway you just walked with the dead tiger and again he exclaims, "GO!"

Slowly, with pain in your heart, you shuffle away from the encampment clearing and walk down the pathway. Leaves slap at you and branches slow your path. You're not sure where you're headed. Your head is reeling with the accusations and rejections. And then you hear it.

A low, slow growl not far to your side.

The Threat of Social Disapproval

Social living means survival, while banishment means death. At times, societies didn't need to execute the people they felt had somehow betrayed the cohesion of the group. They merely had to ostracize them and kick them out. The threat of death was so great from nature that the social group could turn their back on you and let nature take its course.

This means that the physiological feeling you get when you feel social disapproval is due to that survival mechanism in you. We were built as social creatures. In fact, the one thing in the Garden of Eden that God said wasn't good was when Adam was alone. While the major factor of this was Adam's need for a helpmate (Eve), it also signals that man requires a social connection.

A Tragic Study in Social Disapproval

In a tragic study that left the researcher heartbroken at what he'd done, an orphanage was divided into two groups. One group of newborns was given the typical amount of love, attention, touch, and care. The other group, however, was given no social connection or physical contact. They were merely fed and changed, otherwise left to themselves.

Many of them got sick, were malnourished, or died. The necessity of social connection and love was so strong that babies truly could not survive without it.

Because society is built into our DNA by God, it stands to reason that anything threatening our status with the tribe around us would be a fearsome and anxiety-inducing possibility. Naturally, this means we will modify our behavior, speech, mannerisms, actions, and even beliefs to give ourselves the best opportunity to avoid ostracization.

Thankfully, we in the developed world are able to step around the physical dangers of exile. If the social network we belong to in our community decides that we should be cast out, the truth is plenty of options exist in which we can start fresh. It may not be easy, and our reputation may need to be built back from the ground up, but it can be done without becoming a meal for a pissed-off tiger.

Social Media and Social Disapproval

Unfortunately, social media has thrown a wrench in the progress made by the developed world. As mobility and access to opportunity increased in the West, the leviathan of social media exposure created a shadow over the social perspective. Suddenly, a single video or picture could be seen by millions upon millions, bringing all the eyes of the public to burn a hole directly into your soul like Sauron atop his tower. In an instant, there becomes nowhere to hide. Nowhere to go. People find your address. They get your phone number. They harass your employer. In an instant, your life truly can be destroyed and cause real-world consequences.

But does this mean that trying to achieve social approval is therefore the goal at all costs?

No.

Changing the World Despite Social Disapproval

Looking to the past, most of the people who transformed the world, either politically, economically, spiritually, or philosophically, were ridiculed, mocked, and harassed for their ideas. Plenty of world-changers have been executed for the significant effect they had and the social order they threatened with their words.

Look no further than Christ. If the world will crucify a perfect man, what do you think it will do to you?

Yet, the world-changers continued to pursue their beliefs. Despite the flocks of laughing faceless people who ridiculed them, the game-changers rejected bowing to social approval. They understood that while society is important, that same society will invariably get it wrong.

Such men and women stood in the face of intense social heat and refused to bend their knees to the prevailing "wisdom" of the day. Instead, they fought against it and put their faith not in the approval of their peers, but in the truth of their cause.

Social Disapproval's Power of Us

Social disapproval can be intimidating because that same fear and anxiety that slams into us when the tiger hides behind the tree becomes known when the crowd (whether in person or online) begins to argue, cast hate, and ridicule you. The more the voices grow louder, the more likelihood the fear and anxiety will rise.

When it does, you'll be tempted to change your tune, tone down your message, or quietly slip away into the darkness and never raise your head again.

But that social approval aspect within us becomes a powerful tool to keep people oppressed. After all, most people are too fearful of repercussions to believe they should change society or stand on conviction despite the contrary voices. The enemy knows this and uses such a tool to help keep people silent and aligned with his mission.

The good news is, that social approval does not have to control us. There is a way to overcome social approval and approach life in freedom.

How to Overcome Social Disapproval

And when we do, we find that rejecting the need for social approval means opening ourselves up to powerful opportunities, creative ideas, and new beautiful views. A life lived without fear is a limitless life. It's a life that is willing to step out and is not going to be hemmed in by the naysayers.

Sadly, the naysayers are often the people who have never done anything, let alone attempted what you're attempting. The more ridicule and bitterness they spit, the more it shows that it's not about you: it's about their own discontent with their life and choices. They resent you because you are the mirror they cannot escape. You are the one who proves to them every single day that you're doing what they can't or won't choose to do.

While some may have good intentions and want to see you succeed, or they simply honestly disagree, their advice only matters if you decide it's worthy of matter to you. We can't get things perfect, but with the perspective of others, especially those who have been where we're going, we can improve things a great deal. Voices of wise counsel are important as they keep us focused on the goal at hand.

At the end of the day though, being a trailblazer can and will be a lonely affair. Get used to most of the people around you not understanding why you're doing what you're doing, telling you it will fail, mocking you, ridiculing you, and laughing at you.

Eventually, when you finally succeed and the thing you're doing catches a life of its own, the same people will come out of the woodwork to tell you how great you are and how they knew you could do it. They'll pour on praise and say you're so smart.

Yet, give the fickle nature of humanity enough time, and those same people will slowly but surely begin to question your choices and pathways. Before long, they'll again be criticizing you for not making all the right choices. They'll believe they have ownership and responsibility in your affairs because they happened to get on your bandwagon when things began to go well.

Ignore the Social Disapproval

Ignore it all. Be done with it all. Accept that trailblazing and success are lonely affairs that will have even the best of people deciding you've gone off the deep end.

That's okay. It means they won't be in your way to slow you down. Instead, deepen your faith-filled relationship with God and cultivate true confidence (earned through real action and overcoming real obstacles).

Being completely obedient to God means that you have faith in Him and a reliable nature to do what is asked of you. The more you embrace this, the less the opinions of men and society matter to you, because you know what you heard. The confidence you build in that process will carry you through. That confidence was forged through various trials which toughened you to recognize what you're capable of and what God has placed in you.

The perseverance you need will be the antidote to social approval.

So, removing the fear of social disapproval means:

1. Faith and obedience to God

2. Understanding the value or goal in your heart

3. Pursuing perseverance to achieve the goal

4. Building character through the perseverance to handle the adversity

5. Earning true confidence that will replace any need for social approval that you might have had.

Beyond the Social Disapproval

For a moment, let's return to the example of being exiled by your tribe. As you walk down the path away from everything you knew, would there be a situation in which the fear and anxiety wouldn't rise?

What if you had trained for years on how to survive in the wilderness by yourself? What if you had mastered building skills and materials stashed away in a hiding spot? What if you had plenty of weapons and food also stored up, ready for an emergency?

Wouldn't the fear be reduced? You'd no longer see belonging to the tribe as life or death but as a convenience. While social connection would still be important, the fact you could survive long-term on your own means you could potentially meet a new society and start fresh. Once the basic needs are met, then the next level of needs can be searched for.

Begin the process of making social disapproval obsolete in your life. Learn how to seek only God's approval and craft an inner assurance about who you are and your capabilities. The more you can truly love yourself and what God placed in you, the easier it'll be to allow the false sense of social approval to saturate and control your life.

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