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Are You Offended? Probably.

Writer's picture: Mike SonneveldtMike Sonneveldt


a man has a tear falling down his cheek as a woman says something to him. He is obviously offended by what she is saying.


Have you been offended recently?


Unfortunately, we spend plenty of time protecting ourselves from things that cause emotional distress. Whether it's events or opinions, we typically resort to building a wall with emotions. Our goal? Protecting ourselves from what we believe is hurting us.


It takes a lot to admit that you get offended. Especially when criticisms or people's opinions cause pain. We know deep down that nobody's thoughts should worm their way into our hearts and cause offense, but if we're honest: we get offended. Sadly, we mask our pain with reasoning or justifications.



I Got Offended

Recently, a situation caused me an emotional stir. I grew passionate about the topic, if not a little frustrated at another person's position. This drew out of me a whole thread of reasoning. I defend myself. At one point, a friend of mine mentioned the words "Don't get offended."


My retort? "I'm not offended, just passionate about this." Looking back, I disagree with my own statement. Offense pulled out my logic and my "passion." While the offense might have been a pretty reasonable expectation, the truth is that my offense came from an insecurity nestled deep in my heart.


I won't get into specifics on the situation, but post-gaming my reaction and even the present stream of emotions when the topic gets brought up shows me that there is a thread of offense.


At this moment, the emotions aren't even all that powerful. And I do believe my position is correct, however, I need to be wary. Offense can convince us of some crazy things.



Building Fortresses With Being Offended

When we get offended, we build a powerful fortress to protect those insecurities or soft spots that get hit. We construct the wall out of emotions and arguments, reinforcing the weak spot in the defenses. The problem is, that our construction is rather thin and brittle. We never deal with insecurity, so an accusation aimed just right will still nail the target.


The enemy and the flesh are great at doing this.


If we were honest with ourselves, we would recognize that there's probably some truth to the statement that offends us. Either that or such a statement so grossly mischaracterizes us that we feel offended by the possibility that people might be influenced to regard us that way.


The problem?


We easily skip over the thorough nature of finding the truth and instead, rest in the land of "I'm right."


a man's wife tries to console him, but he shows that he's offended.


Polar Opposites of Being Offended

The offense is dealt with in two polar opposite ways. Some take the stoic approach and attempt to strong-arm against the idea of being offended: aka, "Nothing offends me. I can take it."


The other approach is to decide the offense is the speaker's responsibility. "That really offends me and you need to stop."


We take a muscular approach to keeping offense at bay, or we place all the responsibility of our offense on others.


But just like emotions, the extreme approaches both miss the importance of the signals. Offense shows us that something wounded us. The question is, why did that thing wound us? Did it hit close to home on a truth we haven't admitted to ourselves? Is it a gross lie that we fear the damage of? Is it our own lack of confidence aligning with someone else's opinion?


When we get offended, it takes a lot of humility and strength to admit that a comment affected us. Mind you, I don't mean allowing emotions to take over and just naming the emotional response as a result of the offense. It's tempting to say, "I'm angry because I'm offended," and stop at that position.



Emotions Are Signals

Use the emotions we feel to follow back to the source.


If someone calls you a liar and you get mad at the statement, inspect that anger and frustration. Ask yourself why that emotional response bubbled up. You may find that you avoid the truth or shortchange it in situations to protect yourself, and somebody caught on. You might recognize that you do lie but don't appreciate the fact that somebody identifies you as a liar.


Or maybe you do your best to tell the truth and feel strongly about lying. Then use that anger and frustration. Ask yourself why you're getting angry and frustrated. After all, you know in your heart of hearts you're not a liar. Is it perhaps because you fear the opinions of others and how they label you? Do you need to work on your self-assurance in Christ and your identity in Christ?


a man has tears in his eyes from being offended.


Did Christ Get Offended?

Jesus was called all kinds of things that weren't true. They maligned Him. They persecuted Him for what He said. However, He allowed His righteousness and His Father to defend Him. He made sound arguments for things, but we never see Him lose emotional control. If anybody should have been offended at being mischaracterized, it's Christ. Yet, He always responded with emotional clarity.


Take a step back when someone's words cause an emotional stir. Observe your emotions. Allow the person to speak and get their complete thoughts out. Let the dialog develop. Too often, we interrupt to defend ourselves, or we focus on a single statement and ignore the context.



War Gaming Offense

Someone may say, "I know you do really well with telling the truth, but you keep lying to me in this area."


All we hear is, "You keep lying to me."


We jump on the train of justification and construct arguments like, "You don't see how many times I've told the truth. You don't know me. I'm not lying to you, I'm trying to tell you the truth."


If we let the play develop, we allow the person to add, "I appreciate your honesty. But I think there's something about this one area that you're afraid of, and you cover over it. I think I can help you out on that."


It doesn't mean you have to agree with them. It doesn't mean they're right or the thing is true. But if you allow the offense to obscure your focus, you'll get sidetracked on that offense and dive into the emotions you feel. Doing that keeps you from growth, and in fact, helps keep you where you're at...which probably needs to improve anyway.



Offended? Probably. But That's Okay

It's not easy to overcome offense. It is deeply rooted in our hearts. The wounds that drive offense sometimes need truly focused healings that yank out those deep roots intertwined around our hearts.


But it's doable.


When we sit with the Lord and trust Him enough to show us those areas, we can make fantastic progress in being refined. He's good to walk us through those things. He's good to put a healing salve on us. He's good to show us our true nature, yet give us hope and conviction that we can be a more refined individual. Christ doesn't want you to live in the world of offense. He wants you to be an overcomer.


And that may mean getting a little humble at times.

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