Sexless Marriage: A Husband's Perspective

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I'm about to head into tumultuous waters, but it's a powerfully relevant topic that needs to be addressed.

Let's cover sexless marriage from a dedicated husband's perspective.

Before We Get Into Sexless Marriage

You may get the urge to defend yourself, exclaim I'm wrong, or justify your situation. Read it all first.

And please understand, just like anything, this is not a "covers all situations" truth. There are always exceptions to the rule. However, plenty of men and/or women deal with a sexless marriage, and frankly, it may help some wives to understand what their husbands are thinking or going through.

Sadly, a lot of us guys can't put it into words, or don't fully understand what we're thinking and feeling.

So, here we go.

Imagine This

Ladies, imagine you love your husband. (It may be a stretch, but work with me here…) You love to talk with him, get to know about his day, open up about your day, and make a connection.

He gets home from a long day of work, throws his coat on the rack, and his boots in the corner by the door. He shuffles past you and looks in the fridge. You understand, though. He's had a long day at work and maybe needs some decompression.

He plops down on the couch and immediately grabs the remote. You sit there, debating whether to grab your phone to pass the time or dare to interrupt his TV time.

You want to know what happened in his day. You want to know how he feels. You wonder what he's thinking about.

After a few minutes, you can't help yourself. You softly ask, "How was your day?"

He groans and looks at you from the corner of his eye, "Look, babe, I'm really tired. I've had a long day. Can we maybe talk tomorrow?"

You sit there, caught by a twinge of embarrassment, hurt, and frustration. But you get it. You nod and say, "Alright, hun. Can I get you anything?"

He grunts and continues to watch the TV.

Once In a While or All the Time? The Fallout

Now, if this happened one time every couple of weeks or months, it wouldn't be a massive deal to you. You could contrast it to all the other times the two of you had deep conversations. If you have plenty of moments in which he pays attention to you and invests in you, then you'll give him grace for that one moment every once in a while in which he grunts or groans.

But what if it happened every night? What if the last time you talked was a month ago? Or a few months ago? Or years ago?

How long could you go without talking to your husband?

What would your emotional response be? Eventually, after being rejected by him long enough, you'd separate, isolate, and build up your emotional wall. Which makes sense. If your husband isn't going to invest in you with relationship-building like talking and connecting, then what's the point?

You would turn inwards (and justifiably so) and begin to fulfill your own emotional needs. Perhaps that guy you get along with so well at work listens to you when you speak. Perhaps he shares what he has going on. Maybe he's got relational troubles with his wife at home, which he confides in you on an emotional basis.

All of a sudden, you're getting your emotional and relational needs met by someone else. And if your husband has proven over the years that he has no interest in building that relational connection, then is it any wonder you're going to go find it elsewhere?

Husbands...let all of this sink in. Let this be a warning to you. Your wife's and your marriage health rely on your ability to emotionally connect with your wife. If you're not spending time looking her in the eyes, humbly hearing her out, sharing about yourself, and having non-sexual contact...then more than likely you're not optimizing your marriage.

The Sexless Marriage Comparison

Now, ladies, take the whole scenario I just painted, and turn it into what a husband faces in a sexless marriage.

Allow yourself to feel that emotional onslaught you'd get if you were rejected day after day, week after week, from relationship-building activities like communicating with your husband. You'd feel rejected and unloved. Full stop.

The lie that many women believe is that sex for a man is only physical gratification. It merely satisfies an animalistic urge. While it's true that the urge guys often get is akin to needing air when you're underwater, there's a ton more going on for your husband.

For a man, sex with his wife reaffirms that his wife respects him and trusts him. She's sharing her body with him. She desires him. She's giving her intimate self to him. All of those things are signals to a man that his wife is connected to him and is one with him. If that connection severs, then so does the intimacy. And guess what? A man will quickly realize in his heart that he is not respected by his wife. She doesn't want to trust him to her core. She's built a wall between him and her.

"Men are Emotionally Weak"

Now, you may at this point say, "See? Men are so emotionally weak. They need sex to feel respected."

Yes, they do. Does that mean they're emotionally weak? Only inasmuch as a woman needs depth and a relational bond with a man to feel loved.

And let's be frank: When Christ talks about "knowing" us, the Scriptures use the Greek word for "intimacy." As in, deepest sexual intimacy. Becoming one. Knowing each other so thoroughly that you're one.

Do you want that with your husband? Do you at least wish you could have that?

A guy does too. And it's not that we don't need conversation and connection, but sex for us is so much more than getting some physical relief. It's a chance to not only show we love you and cherish you, but a chance for you to show us you respect us, trust us, and find a covering in us.

Do away with that level of communication with a sexless marriage, and you're telling a guy that he's isolated and alone.

Worse yet, a sexless marriage driven by the woman's resistance to sex creates an even bigger burden on the man.

The Sexless Marriage Burden

When he desires that connection or intimacy and he's rejected, he's tempted to get physical relief through pornography or cheating. Yet, obviously, those sinful and destructive options are impermissible pathways. Even in a sexless marriage.

A man, therefore, knows he shouldn’t relieve that desire through pornography. This creates a prison for the man. He has no outlet. He has nowhere to turn. He's told to sit in his prison cell, and then, in a fit of cold shoulder, his wife tells him, "Get over it."

And if he falls into porn, web streaming, or even cheating, he's ridiculed, belittled, and shamed for ever thinking of going that route. While wrong on so many levels, we all can do crazy things to fill the emotional and physical needs we have.

In fact, some men are told to take care of the issue themselves, and as long as they don't look at porn, then that's fine by the wife...because then she doesn't have to do it.

Imagine being told, "Just talk to yourself. That'll take care of it."

Many escorts and web streaming women report that while the typical "sex-addled man" comes into her orbit, they actually have A LOT of men who are looking for companionship and some feeling of relationship. They report that a lot of the men are looking for someone to act as though they respect them, care about them, and desire them.

Men who desire sex with their wife but are rejected day after day struggle in a unique situation that I think most women don't understand...and plenty don't care about. Yet, if they truly care about their husband or their marriage, then they would do themselves and their husband a massive service by admitting they don't understand what their husband is actually going through.

The Causes of Sexless Marriage

Many cases of female-driven sexless marriage are due to the reality that the woman needs emotional healing in her marriage or life. She's dealing with issues or traumas that haven't been healed properly, and the pain of emotional intimacy involved in sex is too great to risk. It manifests as a physical rejection of sex. She doesn't feel like it. She has no drive. She doesn't have an interest...because the wall has been built.

The causes are completely valid. The causes are completely understandable. But the question is, should a woman ever have to commit to having intimacy with her husband even though she doesn't feel like it? To break down that emotional wall even though she feels resistance?

Surprisingly, the logical conclusion is: yes. Both men and women do A LOT of things they don't feel like doing or aren't in the mood for. Why? Because they know it's for their health, their families' health, and the good of their relationships or household.

Men work 14-hour days not because that's exactly what they want to do with their time, resources, health, and body, but they do so because earning that income will provide stability for their family at home.

Sacrifice Yourself?

In Ephesians 5, the man is told to sacrifice for his wife as Christ sacrificed Himself for the church. That means putting his body, heart, mind, and soul up for the good of his family.

Christ had a powerful moment of not wanting to go to the cross. He flat out asked the Father, "If it's possible, take this cup from me; nevertheless, not my will, but your will be done."

Why? To sacrifice for the good of His bride, the church. He didn't desire the cross or feel like doing it, but he committed to doing what He knew He needed to.

The bottom line is that a healthy marriage includes healthy sex, and a sexless marriage can function, but only at a fraction of its potential. When intimacy is withheld from one partner, it creates an awful imbalance in the marriage dynamic and leaves both spouses isolated, frustrated, and limited.

Now, you may say, "You don't know what it's like to have to have sex with someone you have no desire for."

You'd be wrong.

My Own Sexless Marriage

In complete transparency: when my wife and I first got married, I had a lot of sexual past that I had to heal from. I had a thyroid issue. I was trying to finally put to rest a pornography problem. Guess what? My wife had a healthy drive, and I had no interest.

That's right, a late 20s male with little to no sex drive and suddenly thrust into a marriage with a wife who was desiring it.

Instead of me being rejected night after night, it was me rejecting her. I honestly heard the words "I'm really tired, babe. I'm sorry," come out of my mouth plenty of times.

When we would get intimate, I'd struggle not to completely resent her and found myself becoming bitter towards her during it.

How I Healed Our Sexless Marriage

It took several years of healing from my past, destroying the porn addiction for good, and correcting the thyroid. But most of all, I had to learn that just because I didn't feel like it, it didn't mean I shouldn't still do it for her.

There were plenty of times when I had no interest, but I committed to it and found myself enjoying the night.

Over time, I became healthier and healthier. I knew intimacy was vital. Sadly, my time of rejecting her came at a cost. For a while, after I'd healed a lot, her own drive shut down. After all, if you get rejected time after time, sooner or later, you begin to figure out how to avoid the drive and not put yourself through that pain.

Suddenly, I was faced with the opposite dilemma: I wanted it, and she didn't care. She never initiated. Which in turn gave me the feeling that I wasn't respected or desired.

It was an utter mess. However, we worked through all of it and continued to push forward with the principle that intimacy in marriage is not just about satisfying the physical (although that is a big part). It's about building a relational connection and knowing each other. While most women crave the relational element of a marriage, the man, on the other hand, craves the sexual because it communicates so much to him.

Understand This About a Sexless Marriage

This isn't to diminish or cast aside the destruction of unhealthy sexual behaviors, emotional trauma that shuts down intimacy, or massive problems in the marriage that cause rifts.

And maybe you need to get honest with yourself and with him on why you're always rejecting him. The problem can't be solved if you can't identify it. But instead of waiting for the problem to fully be solved before dipping your toe in the water of sexual intimacy, be dedicated to what you're called to, not just what you want.

Many times, it's through the course of committing to things we don't necessarily feel like doing that helps us resolve the resistance in the first place.

Sexless Marriage: Reject the Excuses

While reading the first draft, my wife commented that there are plenty of times in which she’s exhausted from dealing with the kids, stressed out about life, sore from working out, etc, yet still invests in intimacy because she knows how important it is for our marriage. And her words were, “Afterwards, I’m always glad I did.”

When I told myself that I would no longer use sleep as an excuse, and that I needed to dedicate myself to my wife because she deserved that intimacy, I suddenly allowed myself to be okay with more. I wrote off the excuse that protected me from what I was trying to run from, and it forced me to face the issue.

My wife didn't deserve to have to go through that pain and frustration. There were many nights of her wondering what it was about her that I couldn't seem to desire like a normal man. I wrestled with, "What's wrong with me? Am I that sad of a man that I don't have much of a drive?"

It hurt to see her in pain with all of it. My resolve to lean in to the problem was what finally started to turn the ship. It took time, but our intimacy today is a strong point of our marriage. And it keeps both of us emotionally connected as a couple. We need that time together, and I'm grateful for swearing off the excuses that used to own me.

Only going to get 4 hours of sleep? Whatever. I'll get more the next night.

A Takeaway About Sexless Marriage

If you take one thing away from this (and aren't blinded by rage and offense at this point), it's this: humbly place yourself in your partner's shoes. If you're a man withholding relational intimacy from your wife and she's longing for that conversation on the couch, then step outside yourself and give her that. If you're a woman who has every excuse in the book to not be intimate with your husband, then step outside yourself and ask,

"What would it be like to so deeply desire something, yet the one person who is commanded to provide it refuses to ever allow me to have it?"