"What do you want for dinner?" We get asked, as though we were the authority.
"I don't care," is what we say.
We all know where the conversation goes from here. It goes from, "Please choose," to "Fine, whatever…" real fast.
If you've been in a relationship for any time, you've most likely suffered this exact debate stalemate at some point.
And, if you've taken any time to heal the wounds and rifts caused by the eternal "What to eat" debate, then you've learned a lesson or two.
It's most likely some form of, "Fine, I'll just make something for myself."
Don't worry though, this post isn't about choosing what to eat.
It's so much more than that…
Making decisions can be a difficult time for anybody. As we consider the preferences of our significant others, we use their satisfaction as the litmus test of whether it was a good choice or not. After all, who's happy if they're not happy?
But what if many of us are falling into a trap that we didn't even realize was designed for us? What if something as simple as making a decision is downstream of years of giving up an authority we were actually blessed to carry?
Authority From the Beginning
In Genesis 3:16, God says something interesting. When He doles out the consequences of Adam and Eve's decision to eat the fruit, He regards Eve before Adam.
He tells her, "I will greatly multiply
Your pain in childbirth,
In pain you will bring forth children;"
And then He says, "Yet your desire will be for your husband,
And he will rule over you."
What if there's more to that than just a woman pining away for her husband?
Imagine you have a boss who "rules" over you. He tells you how to do everything and you feel like you always have to look to him to get approval for anything you do. What do you leave behind in that dynamic?
Agency. Authority.
You lose your decision-making ability. After all, why bother trying to make decisions if you're being ruled over anyway?
So in today's world, if a woman is "ruled over" by her husband, and her desire is for that husband, then a subtle secondary effect is that a woman would give up authority and agency.
That's if she doesn't rebel against her husband by considering the one ruling over her a "tyrant."
And for a moment, just take a glimpse at the church as Christ's bride. Christ PURCHASED authority and then gave it to her.
Christ and the Authority He Gives
Matthew 28:16-20 "And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
Luke 9:1 " And He called the twelve together, and gave them power and authority over all the demons and to heal diseases."
Now, that discussion of authority can take a lot more time, but Christ sending the Holy Spirit as a helper and counselor to the church provides a powerful authority for the church to act on His behalf. We have become the body of Christ. We are His hands and feet.
We have been called to go out and be Christ to a fallen world.
But what if Satan, in his conniving wisdom, convinces those who have authority that they have none? Wouldn't that serve his purpose?
In other words, what if women have been convinced to give up authority and agency by swallowing twists and perversions of what God laid forth?
What if a woman has authority in a certain realm, but many have lost the art of exercising that authority?
A Woman's Authority: The Home
Sadly, many women have forsaken their authority in the home and it has created massive amounts of distrust, insecurity, and confusion.
While the eating scenario is more of a tongue-in-cheek bait, it does hold some merit. For instance, the last thing I want to do when I get home is decide what to eat for dinner. It's not that I can't. It's more that I have been working to make decisions for the family and how we relate to the world. I can do what needs to happen to buy the ingredients, but it becomes a whole different mood when my wife lovingly takes those ingredients and fashions a beautiful meal.
My wife cares deeply about what our family eats, how our children grow, what the comfort of the home is, and how we as a family will make usefulness out of our days.
When she grabs the reins on the life of the family, we soar. When I'm in charge, it becomes survival of the fittest.
Oh, the kids didn't eat yet today? That's it...throw some crackers and cheese at them and call it a day.
Are we bored? Another round of Bluey it is. And if we've got time, maybe some Stinky and Dirty to round it out.
And while men can certainly be great cooks, strong family directors, amazing interior designers, and thorough cleaners...a woman can manage a household with a grace that typically escapes a man.
Authority Anointing by God
What if God placed an anointing on a woman to take the house her husband worked to acquire and she's the one chosen to make it a home? After all, we've all seen those memes of a living room with a chair and a TV. We never joke that that's how a woman lives…
Stereotypes aside (which do usually warrant some merit…), there is a Biblical case that a godly woman has agency and authority to help provide and direct her home. Let's look at Proverbs 31.
Now, read the following passage through the lens of a woman having authority over the workings of her home. Consider this a description of agency in the home and over the family.
An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She looks for wool and flax
14 She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15 She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And [j]portions to her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [k]her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds [l]herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18 She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her [m]hands grasp the spindle.
20 She [n]extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the [q]future.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the [r]teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29 "Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all."
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who [s]fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her the [t]product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
That's certainly not the silent, submissive, run-over wife that we typically think of as a traditional wife and mother. This woman has true agency and authority. She is responsible for others. She cares for others. She upholds a position of leadership that helps her husband fulfill his own position of leadership.
The Authority over Daily Affairs
Imagine, if you will, a wife who handles the day-to-day affairs of her family. She makes decisions that help her husband keep his focus on his own things. She holds the confidence to pursue things that will benefit her family. She makes decisions without apology that care and provide for her husband, children, servants, and even those less fortunate.
The job of the man is to encourage his wife in these things. Instead of complaining when she steps up and chooses what meal to make, he needs to recognize that she is doing her best. After all, if we would rather not make the decision and be responsible for something, then we can't turn around and complain about every decision made. Instead, our role is to encourage our wives and lift them up. We are to help her become everything she's meant to be, and that means recognizing that she may not do everything the way we would, but that's okay.
And for goodness' sake, don't complain about the meal. You can let her know what you enjoy and like, but she may have a reason for making that meal you don't like.
As for the ladies: lean into the vision your husband is casting for where your family is headed. Trust his leadership in that pathway. And pursue your authority with confidence.
The trick is for both: authority means service. Christ did not come to be served but to serve. We should do the same. Our authority was not given to the Lord over each other like the Gentiles do, but to serve each other.
When a married couple understands that they are living to serve their partner and not themselves, they open up to the beauty of what it means to be married.
An Authority Analogy
Here's a little analogy to round this out.
The captain (husband) and first mate (wife) will plot a course on how to get to Africa. The captain holds the responsibility to get there safely and properly. If the shipwrecks or goes to the wrong port, the king will demand of the captain. The first mate might get a bit of a talking to, but the captain holds the true responsibility.
While they're underway, the captain will give the ultimate orders for the course. The first mate will do their best to see that the ship follows the captain's directions. However, the captain doesn't handle every day-to-day issue on the ship. The first mate looks towards the ship, while the captain looks towards the horizon.
When issues arise or decisions need to be made, the first mate is likely to make those decisions by the rules and culture of the ship. Major decisions or incidences may require the captain, but plenty of them are handled by the authority of the first mate.
Remember, the first mate holds almost as much authority as the captain. It's not an all-or-nothing issue.
Here's Brave search browser's AI response to "What is the role of the first mate on a ship,"
The first mate, also known as the chief officer, is the second in command on a ship and assists the captain in the operation and safety of the vessel. They are responsible for directing and overseeing the work of the deck crew, ensuring the ship's stability, and managing the loading and unloading of cargo. The first mate also stands watch, navigates the ship, and responds to emergencies. On smaller ships, the first mate may also handle navigation and safety duties if there is no separate first officer. They must be prepared to take command of the ship if the captain is absent or unable to perform their duties. Additionally, the first mate trains the crew in safety, firefighting, and search and rescue procedures.
With that level of authority and responsibility, would anybody say, "Oh, a first mate is just told to be submissive under their captain. They're just a doormat,"?
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