Have a Hard Conversation: The Wounds of a Friend

A friend chose to have a hard conversation with me earlier. Unfortunately for him, my friends aren't safe from becoming useful fodder for the things I talk about.

He's probably reading this right now. So, I'll lead with: love ya bro.

He saw some things in my daily affairs that concerned him. Things I had said, actions I was taking, and ways I was operating were concerning enough that he chose to step up to the plate and dive into the world where we had to have a hard conversation.

While the things he noticed were not moral or significant when it comes to my relationship with the Lord, he did notice some red flags in how I've been operating my business prospects and handling where the pathway leads.

It concerned him enough that he chose to have a hard conversation with me to hopefully stave off a tortured future of flailing and misdirection. And in all respects, I owe him for that.

Have a Hard Conversation with a Friend

It can be tough. We know we need to say something to a friend or loved one, and so we immediately start running the options through our minds. "I'll say this." "They might respond with that." "The conversation could go sideways if I'm not careful."

And then our fears start to take hold. All of a sudden, our decision to have a hard conversation with a friend turns into a worst-case scenario in which they'll scream at us, punch a hole in our wall, and kick our dog. They might even write to the local newspaper, degrading us in the letters to the editor. Heck, what if they start a harassment campaign that involves delivering unwanted pizza for the next year? Yeah, free pizza for a few days might be nice, but both you and the delivery boy will get really sick of seeing each other after a while.

I digress.

Our minds can run away with the potential outcomes resulting from when we have a hard conversation with a friend or loved one.

After all, the last thing we want to do is hurt the person we love, cherish, and appreciate. However, Proverbs gives us a pretty clear indicator that speaking up is better than not.

Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."

There you have it. The wisest man ever to live, Solomon, said it, so it must be true.

All jokes aside, it's astute and true.

The "wounds" we receive from a friend are not to harm us or hold us down. If they are ill-intended, then by all means, those are not wounds of a friend, but attacks from an enemy in disguise. A true friend or loved one will recognize that the happy, comfortable feelings are great...until those emotions hurt us by covering over dangerous pathways.

To have a hard conversation, both parties need to understand a few things first. If you feel that you need to deliver a hard conversation, then you should probably do it. Just make sure of a few things:

How to Have a Hard Conversation: The Giver's Side

1) Remove the log from your own eye first.

Matthew 7:3-5 says, "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

This means making sure that you're not calling out something that you yourself are having a current struggle with or do not see in yourself. The charge of hypocrisy diminishes your argument and invalidates what you say – even if your point is true.

Instead, when you decide you need to have a hard conversation with a friend or loved one, be sure to weigh out where your concerns and corrections are coming from. Do you have a clear pathway in your own life to speak about that issue? That means they won't see the hypocrisy in your own life and turn it back on you.

Knowing this also means that you have...

2) Humility.

A humble man will approach the hard conversation with a recognition that he might not be seeing everything. He's not there to lecture (though perhaps a good chewing out is needed in some circumstances) but he's there to help bring a clearer picture of the blind spots we all suffer from. Recognize that you could just as easily fall into similar traps as the person you're talking to. See it for what it is: we all make mistakes and bad choices. We all get off on the wrong pathway sometimes.

Approach the conversation as though they may come to you someday and say the exact same thing about you. How would you want them to approach it? What would you want them to see concerning the big picture?

Weigh out your heart in the matter and speak from a humble position, which means...

3) Give it with love, but firmness. 

When we have a hard conversation, we may be tempted to compromise on our point as soon as the person pushes back or has a negative emotion.

"Yeah, you're totally right. My bad. Forget I said anything."

That means either A) we didn't have a whole lot of faith in our position or B) we're still too easily swayed by the emotions of another person. We want their approval more than to help lead them in the right direction.

Stick to your point. Even if they provide color to the situation that helps explain what is going on, that doesn't mean there isn't still value in what you see. This means coming to a consensus on the solution for the situation.

And if they don't accept it?

4) Don't let their emotions or reactions dictate your convictions.

If you stand on conviction about the issue, they may react poorly. That's up to them. You are not responsible for how they react. Give the truth with grace and love, be firm where you need to be, and trust that if you're a mature person, they'll understand.

If they're not mature and responsible, and the choice to have a hard conversation blows up your friendship...then how great of a friend were they to begin with? Do they actually provide value to your life if they decide that receiving the truth is too painful for them to receive you as a friend?

Their emotional reaction is their responsibility. Your responsibility is to provide the truth. That's it. What they do with it is up to them.

How to Have a Hard Conversation: The Receiver Side

While the person who decides to have a hard conversation is in the driver's seat in the situation, the person receiving it also has a role to play in a successful exchange.

Here are a few things to remember if someone has decided to have a hard conversation with you:

1) Bite Your Tongue.

I mean it. Shut your mouth. The first thing that will happen is an urge to defend yourself.

"They're not seeing it correctly."

"They don't know what I know."

"They've got it all wrong."

Meanwhile, as you're thinking all that, they're trying to get off their chest what they've tried to reasonably put together for you.

So shut your mouth and let them talk. Let them verbalize it and sort it out. It may hurt and you may get offended. That's okay and expected.

I've had people unnerved by me going silent. In fact, I've had instances where they took it wrong and thought I was hurt and offended by everything they said. The truth was, I knew I needed to keep my mouth shut, let them get everything off their chest, let some of the emotions subside, and weigh out what was being said to me.

Opening my mouth would have resulted in a defensive posture, which isn't extremely useful. I want to be right. So it's easy for me to try and defend myself on why the person isn't seeing it correctly. That easily lends to gaslighting.

So give yourself time and keep your mouth shut. That will help you…

2) Feel the emotions. Don't embrace them.

You're most likely going to be hurt and offended. That's a natural course because what's flaring up is our pride. No one likes being told they're doing something wrong, failing, or making a big mistake. But those emotions you're feeling are most likely out of pride that says you're either being A) Misunderstood/misrepresented or B) Thought less of because the person obviously doesn't see you as perfect.

The role of the receiver when it's time to have a hard conversation is to RECEIVE it. That doesn't mean everything they say is right, or that they've got the full story. But if you let your emotions control the narrative, you'll never get to the facts – you'll stay stuck in the emotional turmoil that derails so many hard conversations.

As the emotions subside, then you can...

3) Humbly provide context.

If it's a situation where the person isn't in your head and heart and so doesn't fully know what's going on, provide a humble context. HOWEVER, you better weigh out as the conversation happens about where your blind spots are.

In my own situation, my friend saw some red flags of flailing and shallowly jumping at ideas when I've got ones that require my dedication and focus. He wasn't wrong. Now, I had a reason (I provided context), but I also had to be careful. I need to avoid getting swept away in dreams, change, and the excitement of new territory. I may learn some lessons, but it detracts from my dedication. After all, there are so many hours in the day.

So while I humbly provided context to my thinking, his critique landed in a good way. It sobered me to be wiser about the things I allowed my exploration to run away with. I need to keep my focus. While things are permissible, they're not necessarily beneficial.

After your friend or loved one has given you what is on your heart, then you can proceed to have a conversation about it. But continue to check your pride and defensive measures. Weigh them out in real time. And where you're not sure, just keep your mouth shut and allow yourself to mull it over later.

And when it's all said and done…

4) Honor their courage and love.

You want a person to come to you with the truth. If you surround yourself with "yes men" and reject the ones who are willing to bring a hard (and painful) truth for your good, then you'll quickly find yourself in big trouble down the road.

And if you react poorly, get mad, reject them, or diminish them in your heart, then all you've done is train them to be less likely to open up to you. They put themselves on the line for you and a rejection in anger, hurt, frustration, and pride will only teach them one thing: you're not trustworthy, reliable, or mature enough to have a hard conversation.

I'm telling you: poor reactions can be healed, but they do damage that sometimes is permanent.

Instead, when the conversation is over, remind them that you appreciate their honesty and forthrightness. Tell them you love them. Take what they've said with full gravity and weigh it out over the next couple of days.

Have a Hard Conversation Because it's Worth it.

Look, it sucks. I get it. Most people hate having those conversations and try to avoid them at all costs. Many times, we'll spend several days torn up and hyper-focused on knowing it needs to happen, yet avoiding it because we fear the results.

That's understandable. But if we have the conviction, then we need to pursue it. We need to get real with it. And if the person is coming to us, then we need to weigh it out as the wounds of a friend and a rejection of the kisses of an enemy.

At the end of the day, adversity builds brotherhood precisely because you learn to trust the brother next to you. The problem is, that we typically only define adversity as warfare or super physical activities. In reality, adversity is anything that is difficult and requires us to step outside of autopilot to accomplish. The tough things that require our entire being are adverse situations, and those are the greatest opportunities to understand who we are and how we can grow.

So go have the hard conversation. Learn from the adversity and grow a deeper brotherhood bond.

---

If you desire to achieve transformation in your mindsets and life, then check out us at The Forged. We've produced powerful materials designed specifically for the man in mind. Our resources bring you on a journey of building new mindsets, personal development, and helping you learn and grow in ways you never thought possible. Check out what we offer today!

---