What is Confidence and How to Get it

I'll never forget when Conor McGregor came on the scene and started dominating the UFC. He had a swagger that drew people in – whether they loved him or hated him, he had their attention. His bombastic cockiness sent waves through the sports world, and everyone was lining up to see whether his fists could defend what his mouth threw around.

Then he started to falter, and the mouth finally stopped running quite as much. Now, he's no longer part of the conversation and has had to figure out his next season of life in which he doesn't command respect and adoration from the masses.

What is Confidence not?

Often, we picture confidence personified through the cocky swagger plenty of athletes throw around every day as they dance in the limelight.

But that's not what true confidence is. Now, many of these athletes may have real confidence in their skills and abilities, but the way they present their faith in their own abilities is not the essence of confidence.

So, what is confidence?

Unfortunately, a lot of guys struggle to know the answer to the question, "What is confidence?", and furthermore, battle within themselves to find true confidence. They deal with low self-worth, doubt, depression, anxiety, negative mindsets, and absolutely destructive self-talk.

What is Confidence?

Confidence is that deep feeling of assurance. It's faith in yourself. And we so badly want to present ourselves as confident because it communicates to others that they can have faith in us, too. But a lot of men who struggle with confidence get the whole thing backwards.

Many of those men believe that confidence is found in giving the image of having assurance, and minimize the importance of a conviction of assurance. While that may not sound right at first, I've found it explains a lot of what is going on inside many guys. How is that?

Because we're afraid to look foolish or incompetent. So instead, we show ourselves as being competent in a task or ability, and hope we can succeed when we're called upon.

The problem is, we avoid the failures and foolishness required to not only actually have confidence, but to be able to perform as a master at that task or field.

We want to have all the results without the effort. Instant gratification.

What is Confidence? Not just the Appearance of Confidence...

For instance:

When a person is working a job that they feel is out of their depth, they may try to keep up appearances of being competent at the task. They'll put on confidence like a cloak, but find themselves staring at an issue, worried that if they ask a question, they'll be labeled as "incompetent".

Mistakes and failures scare them because every one that happens means the whole facade could be ripped down. How often we fear making a mistake because deep down we know it may blow our cover.

A person with true confidence has that inner assurance precisely because they went through all of the failures and mistakes necessary to become an expert in that area. The failures, mistakes, and consequences don't faze them like the others. People like Michael Jordan, Tom Brady, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and more made mistake after mistake (especially early in their careers) and learned from those failures. But they never let those failures keep them from truly pursuing high competency in their selected field.

They put in every effort and persevered through all of the rigors of refinement, eventually coming out with a deep-seated confidence in their area.

What is Confidence and How to Get True Confidence

There is no shortcut to true confidence.

We need to start from the bottom and work our way up. This means accepting that we are going to look like a fool to a lot of people. We're going to get rejected, fail miserably, and blow chances. However, a person who wants to have real confidence and not just appear confident must go through a long period of foolishness to start to craft true abilities and knowledge.

People who are masters in their selected field got there by asking tons of questions, stepping over the fear of looking foolish, taking risks, and persevering towards their goal.

How many of us have been faced with the dilemma of asking a question or staying silent and knowing we're in over our heads? How many of us have kept silent because we're afraid we might look foolish if we ask questions or let somebody know we don't know something? How many of us struggle with taking a risk (because we might fail and look stupid) or fear making a mistake?

What is Confidence? The Pathways

Each decision helps solidify the pathway: either we give in to these obstacles and construct false images of confidence over ourselves to protect our fragile egos (praying that our fragile egos never get laid bare to the rest of the world in an embarrassing way) or we embrace the suck and repeatedly take those obstacles head on, building an anti-fragile ego along the way.

Every obstacle that runs a risk of resulting in failure, embarrassment, loss, or awkward situations also most likely offers rewards of wisdom gained, experience added, skills improved, and success on those tasks.

Our fears drive us away from the exact things that will give us confidence and reduce our fears. Yet, we listen to the fears and do our best to stay comfortable. That comfortable nature keeps us from progressing. And despite its tempting whispers of "safety", the comfortable is just a slow death. It's decay over a long progression.

It could take decades, but sooner or later it WILL catch up with us.

If we seek the comfortable and resist or run from what we fear, we may find ourselves completely unstable and having lost all ground decades later. Picture it like this: if the lava is slowly eating away at the ground and you can either take a risk and jump from rock to rock to get out of there...the longer you wait, the less ground you have to stand on. Sooner or later, the rocks will be too far away, and the ground beneath your feet will crumble into the lava.

It's the same with our decisions at the crossroads of comfort and progress.

Those who choose to embrace the suck early often find that they become more and more competent not just with the area they're pursuing, but in all areas of life. They learn that the rewards are found in the risks. They know that the victories are found in the battles. They come to realize that their skills and abilities will help them navigate new terrain across a spectrum of fields and situations.

Suddenly, their confidence doesn't just cover one tiny segment of life that they've mastered; they've learned how to master a segment of life, which gives them confidence that they can handle other segments of life too.

What is Confidence? The Real THING

Real confidence is that deep assurance that you can handle the things you face. People try to fake it, but on the inside, they feel like a soupy mess. True inner confidence is forged over years of building an anti-fragile ego.

How do you do that?

Lean into the situations that you fear. Grow in learning how to problem solve and step beyond yourself to get the task done. Be okay with rejection, looking like a fool, and being laughed out of the room.

Be okay with ridicule and people being upset with you.

Instead, find solace in your journey and know that you'll learn a multitude of lessons from the very failures we all fear.

Do that and you'll become someone with the confidence that doesn't need to run his mouth and walk with swagger. Instead, it'll all be in the eyes. A person will be able to look in your eyes for a moment and recognize a true, unshakable, forged confidence.

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