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  • Writer's pictureMike Sonneveldt

How to end loneliness

How Does A Man Solve Loneliness?

How does a man solve LONELINESS?

A lot of tips get thrown around.

  • "They should open up and be super emotional"

  • "They should suck it up"

  • "They need to go to a therapist"

  • "They need to grow closer with their wife"

Many solutions exist. However, it takes more than one. Loneliness in a man is NOT a single-factor issue. It's a combination of many causes.

  • Depression

  • Pride

  • Inability to cope with past trauma

  • Laziness

  • Time

  • Insecurity

  • Past experiences

So how do you fix loneliness in men? It starts with the man admitting that loneliness IS NOT the best solution or method. No matter how good it may look as a solution (our pride talking), it does not solve the issue long-term.

Instead, the first step is being downright honest with yourself. Admit you cannot navigate life completely alone.

  1. Admit it to yourself. You've functioned in loneliness, but that doesn't make it optimum.

  2. Seek a single brother who can be reasonable, honest, and motivating.

  3. Build your brotherhood

  4. Invest in others and learn to remove yourself from the equation

Each of these is a lesson in its own right, and we'll cover those in a moment. But gentlemen, KNOW THAT LONELINESS IS SUB-OPTIMAL. It's inefficient and ineffective. It's not the method of leaders or the high-performing.

Step I: Admit it to yourself

We hide plenty from others. We also hide mountains from ourselves.

Think of it as the tip of an iceberg. You may admit generic faults, but those are comfortable faults. Accepting comfortable faults only allows you access to the things that don't hinder life too much. You walk with an emotional limp and are used to it.

Admitting loneliness to yourself means being honest with your true position. This means being HONEST with yourself and taking full responsibility. Loneliness is not a result of everyone else.

Your loneliness is your issue to deal with. No one else has responsibility for your loneliness.

"But you don't know my story!"

I don't have to. You know deep down you must deal with it and overcome. No one else holds that responsibility. That's the difference between victimhood and honor.

Our loneliness stems from a myriad of factors and changing a single thing will not heal the loneliness. No magic bullet exists. The true revolution in the self comes from:

  1. Responsibility: Taking full responsibility for your faults, actions, and decisions. No more victimhood and blaming everyone else.

  2. Honesty: Being truly honest about your strengths, weaknesses, and position in life. How can you move forward if you don't know where you stand?

  3. Discipline: It means figuring out what needs to change and chipping away at that thing. This means the courage to stop doing what you have been doing and start doing what you know you should. Simple and small steps!

How do you figure out what causes the loneliness to change with the 3 steps above?

Emotions are signals. Read the signals. If you feel loneliness, bitterness, anger, frustration, shame, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc...they come from somewhere.

Follow the emotions back to the root cause while following the 3 steps above. Spend undivided time with the Lord, asking Him the following question. Write out the response put on your heart.

"Lord, I feel a lot of ______________. Can you please show me where this is coming from?" Write down His answer, and begin the process of discovering the source. Forgive whoever hurt you, and follow the 3 steps to return from that emotion.

Step II: Seek one brother

Seek a single brother who can be honest, reasonable, and motivating.

Gentlemen, remember that loneliness is SUB-OPTIMAL. You may think you can do it all alone, but loneliness results in a decay of self over time. God created us as social creatures. Not hermits who set their faces against the world.

Find one trusted brother. If you don't know where to look, then go to church, the gym, hobby groups, or something similar. You need a community. Today.

Building brotherhood happens through adversity. Plenty of men’s development programs get you out in the woods with a small group of guys and test your strength and perseverance. You WILL find at least one guy to connect with.

The trick is to realize that your discomfort and loneliness are worse than taking a risk and asking another guy to grab breakfast or lunch.

My best bonds and my best mentorships are built around meals. Breakfast, lunch, grilling out, etc. are great ways to connect.

Take that step. Join a group. Invite one guy to grab breakfast, and start gleaning from them.

Step III: Build your brotherhood

This one takes some time. It also takes effort. It takes commitment. And that’s when most guys fail.

We all have a lot going on in our lives. Many of us have families. We have careers. We have hobbies. We have responsibilities.

But if we recognize that doing it all alone is SUB-OPTIMAL, then we admit we need some other guys to help.

Imagine having a group of guys to help you navigate the waters of family. They’re there to talk business. They encourage you in fitness. They keep you accountable. They push you towards God. A brotherhood sees your faults and won’t allow those to keep eating away at your progress.

How do you find a brotherhood?

Find one brother first. Start making bonds at church, the gym, work, or wherever you know guys with the same values. Then, once you establish that friendship, you can start to add more to the group. Build your network!

Social media and the internet have created a very isolated culture. We struggle to build true, personal relationships. Push back by carving out time to spend with the brotherhood. Set aside those days and times.

But be aware: If you can't take a risk, get some courage, and be real with the other guys, then it's just a group of bros. Remember, the bond is built through adversity!

Also, for the wives: you need to understand that if your man has a good brotherhood, his time with those other men will only benefit you and your children.

Step IV: Invest in others and learn to remove yourself from the equation

Let’s do a quick recap:

  1. Admit to yourself that you’re lonely and that it starts with you.

  2. Seek one brother to begin building a bond with another man who has the same values as you.

  3. Build your brotherhood to know you have a group of reliable guys.

  4. Invest in others while removing yourself from the equation.

Admit it. If you feel super lonely, then the chance is that you are too self-focused.

I hear it all the time.

  • “I’m so nice,”

  • “I’m so giving,”

  • “I’m so dedicated to others,”

  • “I give all of myself,”

  • “I sacrifice for everyone else.”

No. You are a doormat. You have no boundaries and resent anyone who steps over your imaginary boundaries.

You’ve been hurt?

Us too.

If we don’t move beyond ourselves and focus on our purpose, then we will always resent the world. We were created to help others, not receive love, accolades, and attention in the way we expect.

Your expectations of how others should react to your “kindness” is what is making you depressed. Because the truth is: if you were ACTUALLY doing a selfless act, then it wouldn’t matter whether they noticed, recognized, or reciprocated. Your bitterness and resentment are precisely BECAUSE you “give yourself” with the wrong heart.

Remove yourself from the equation and begin discipling others. Pour into others. Give to others freely and with a joyful heart. Then see how long loneliness hangs around…

How does a man cure loneliness?

He needs to stop lying to himself. He's not a perfect guy that the world has cast aside. Instead, he is a man who needs development, social connection and growth.

If a man can be honest with himself, follow the above steps, and see it through: then he will not be a lonely man at the end of his days.

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