I'll never forget the change that overtook me when I became a new dad.
"This truly is not about me."
Those words rang through my head as I held my first son. I couldn't get over the idea that this little being brought into the world would rely solely on us.
However, when we got him home, I recognized how inept I was at dealing with a brand-new human being. I thought I could handle it as a new dad. What transpired was a lot of mistakes and frustrations. Even though some other dads gave me a few tips, I never felt like I got adequate insight to help me understand what we were all going through.
Because of that, I want to give you some wisdom and maybe help you feel a little better about what you're going through.
If you're a new dad, take these pieces of advice to heart. They may save you a lot of heartache and pain in the years ahead.
Tips for New Dads
1) Hey New Dads - Everybody's Patience Has a Limit
When we have our first child, we somehow get the idea that we will carry unconditional, limitless, poured-out love and patience for the baby.
Now, we may love our child unconditionally, but that little word, "patience" takes a lot more practice and refining than we expect.
My first son cried...a lot. He also struggled to sleep. And when he was tired, he would cry...and cry….and cry. It seemed like hours before his crying would FINALLY dissolve into whimpers, and then he would pass out. The only thing that seemed to calm him down was mom and breastfeeding.
Not long after he was born, my wife suffered from serious medical complications. From being bedridden for weeks to surgery and the ICU, she battled her body amidst our attempts to figure out our son.
I was in over my head and had no clue what I was doing. And it ate at my patience. I wanted so badly to be able to solve the problem for both my wife and son, yet, as a new dad, I couldn't seem to get a handle on either one. Instead, my impatience would flare up and the stress would eat at me.
The Truth When I Was a New Dad
At one point, I felt myself right on the border of lashing out. I quickly handed my son to my wife and had to take a walk. The stress of it all mounted and brought me to an edge I didn't think I would ever dance. My wife graciously took over. I sat for a little while and recognized that my patience AND my communication needed to improve quickly.
Both you and your wife have a patience limit. And a brand-new kid WILL test that limit. So be reasonable with your gauges. If you or your wife start to feel the frustration mount and patience slip away, then pass the child off and get a breather. It is not a moment of failure. It is a moment of successfully recognizing your emotional state.
We as new dads are learning ourselves as much as we're learning our child.
Likewise, have a heart for your wife. She is not a baby-feeding machine with unlimited patience. She is going to need breaks and rest as well. She has gone from being an independent human to being on call 24/7 for a brand-new person who cannot communicate nor control themself. If both of you can admit the reality of your own humanity, you'll be ahead of the game in knowing when it's time to get a breather and refocus your energies.
2) You're a New Dad. They Love Mom
Along with knowing our limit of patience, we as new dads would do well to remember that our new child is created to crave mom.
When I was doing my best to figure out how to console and calm my son, I wondered why I couldn't seem to have any effect on him, yet as soon as he was in my wife's arms: he could be soothed. Thinking back, I think he fell asleep with me only two or three times. I'll admit that it ate me up. Now, this might not be true for every child, but for all of my sons and plenty of other kids I've watched grow up, it has been the case that mom is the end-all-be-all for the child.
They love mom.
God designed mom to be the answer to your child's needs. Don't take it personally as a new dad when the kid doesn't seem to want much to do with you. Instead, they play the role of supporting and strengthening the bond between mother and child.
In fact, your child's desire for mom is a natural feature of human development. Until around the age of two, your child will be all about mom. But around two years old, you'll see the shift begin. Suddenly, it's as if your kid can't get enough of dad. You'll be the one your child wants to play with, wrestle with, get hugs from, and get held by.
Take a deep breath and let your wife build the foundation over the first couple of years. You'll most likely find a child absolutely ecstatic to be around you. You will become the hero in their lives.
3) Be a Team, not Passing Ships
Focus on your marriage.
Plenty of marriages get in trouble when the parents begin to see the kids as the central priority of the family unit. They gravitate to the kids and orbit around them, believing that their kids should be first on the list of priorities.
But the truth is that a good team will handle anything a child can throw at them much better than two people trying to fulfill their roles separately. You and your wife need to nourish and grow your marriage. You may be a new dad and she may be a new mom, but you're still husband and wife.
It may take a little bit to get settled into a routine with a new child, but you need to figure it out and work hard on your marriage. If you don't, you may just find yourself a few years down the road as more of a ship passing in the night than a married man.
Sacrifice some time, desires, and comforts to ensure that your marriage is growing deeper and stronger. This means having date nights, carving out space for quality time, serving each other, and fulfilling each other's needs.
And if your wife gets super absorbed in the child (which plenty of first-time moms do), be patient but courageous. Do what you know is right and lead your family. Guide your wife when needed. Trust what the Lord tells you.
4) Wait a few Months
You and your wife may be going through the thick of it right now. Perhaps both of you are toying with swearing off more children. Just wait a few months and allow yourselves to figure some things out. Remember, you're a new dad and she's a new mom.
New parents can get pretty frazzled by the demanding days of serving a newborn. Plenty of them begin to wonder whether having children may have been a mistake. They question their sanity and how they could possibly have more kids.
Give yourself some time. Don't worry about future kids right now. Learn this one and get a grip on their personality and needs. As you figure your kid out, you'll come to a more sober position on children and what you think you can handle.
But if you make up your mind in the first few months, you may doom yourself to believing that every child will be exactly like your current kid and that you'll never get a grip on this whole parenting thing.
My first son was an extremely high-maintenance newborn. For those first few months, we were pulling our hair out trying to figure out how to get him to eat, sleep, and poop. We wondered how we could possibly go through all of it again.
Then, my second son was born, and his personality was the polar opposite of our first. He slept well right off the bat. He ate well. He was a chill, relaxed baby.
In other words, don't gauge the second by what the first is.
5) Take a Deep Breath and Enjoy
I'm sure a lot of people have already told you, "It goes by fast."
They're absolutely right. So, sit down, take a breath, and enjoy this stage. For all of the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, fits of screaming, and more, the beauty of each stage is worth the pain.
While you may be tempted to work every waking hour to earn and provide for your family (and providing is necessary), be an influential new dad and do what you need to do to spend time with that baby.
Lay on the floor with them. Hold them. Cuddle them. Give them plenty of love. Carve time out of your busy schedule to give that child love and watch how it changes you.
DO NOT allow the time to pass and miss out on that stage, if at all possible. The baby stage only really lasts for about a year to a year and a half. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things.
And be excited that each stage carries its own struggles, but its own absolute joys.
Don't Just be a New Dad. Be a Dad.
You will be in over your head when you come home with your first child. A part of you may even wonder how you can just be handed a brand-new kid and kicked out the door. But as long as you dedicate yourself as a new dad to being a good father and listen to the Lord's guidance, you'll do well. You'll be exactly what that child needs.
And never forget that you can be the man that your child needs. It just takes time.
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